A loser's review of FIFA 14
What a crap game

EA Sports’ first dance on the “next generation” of consoles is a cluster **** of crap, blended nicely together with a snazzy visual offering that almost, but not quite, blinds us from the game’s most profound artificial fallacies.

It’s difficult to pinpoint where specifically FIFA 14 is at its worst, but it almost always is most glaringly obvious when you lose: the game’s application of momentum is a nice round bowl of bullshit, sprinkled with the sweet tears of a passionate gamer that just wants to win a game of virtual football every now and then.

Worst game ever?

Rarely does a game evoke such powerful emotions of hatred and anger. In an experience where momentum is everything, you could be neck-and-neck with your opponent, only for your goalkeeper to rush out, or clip your teammate, or throw the ball directly to the opposition.

According to FIFA 14 lore, every single goalkeeper, ever, was dropped on their head as a child. This game can right go stuff itself.

It’s too easy to cheat

It doesn’t make sense that I lose so often. What about all that equality bullshit? I mean, why is a game being made where my opponent beats me two out of every three games? It should be evened out so at least I’m winning more games than I’m losing. That’s equality.

On top of that, why do people cheat so much when they play this game? It’s bullshit.

Why are my players kicking it out of bounds?

So, like, the general rule of thumb is to get possession and keep it, you dumbasses. So then why whenever I tackle an opponent near the boundary, no matter what the angle of my player, they kick the ball towards the line, so if they do manage to steal the ball away, it goes out of bounds?

Awful.

What a shit game

All in all, FIFA 14 is just a bad game. All this hype about the Ignite engine and it’s gotten to a point where it’s so real that my players are perfectly imperfect: they make mistakes, and I lose games. WTF is this crap?

The Final Verdict

If you like sports games that let you cheat and use exploits to win I highly recommend this game. Otherwise I think you should stick to Pro Evolution Soccer 2008 which is one of if not the best football game ever made.

Graphics - Not bad, but not good. Sometimes the players look sad.

Gameplay - Crap.

Music - Who cares it’s a soccer game.

Value - None because it’s impossible to win.

Final score - 3 litres of Tano’s tears-out-of-10

Posted 03/03/2014
Tano 336,151 XP
I am Xbot. Resistance is futile.

A loser's review of FIFA 14 Comments

  • Gryllis 340110 XP 03/03/2014
    I can't believe how bad you are.

    Terrible.
  • Tano 336151 XP 03/03/2014

    @Gryllis said: I can't believe how bad you are.
    Terrible.



    Shut up. Terrible game really.
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  • EndBoss 10020 XP 03/03/2014
    Beating Tano is probably the best fun one could have, he gets so emotional and start banging on the table and bite the controllers and stuff. That's why we all really do it for...

    @Gryllis - thought you've retired?
  • Gryllis 340110 XP 04/03/2014

    @EndBoss said:
    @Gryllis - thought you've retired?


    I've made a shocking comeback.
  • winga26 81564 XP 04/03/2014

    @EndBoss said: Beating Tano is probably the best fun one could have, he gets so emotional and start banging on the table and bite the controllers and stuff. That's why we all really do it for...
    @Gryllis - thought you've retired?



    Lol it's that good to beat him? :P
  • EndBoss 10020 XP 04/03/2014
    When you beat him, he gets totally peed off and even write a blog about it lol
  • zurczner 7912 XP 04/03/2014
    Games always suck when you are bad at it :-" haha
  • Gryllis 340110 XP 07/03/2014
    Another Tano loss

  • Pact 21911 XP 08/03/2014
    FIFA: Lets give EA Exclusive rights to our teams and leagues!

    I really want to see PES get better and potentially a 2k sports title for Soccer/football.
  • Tano 336151 XP 11/03/2014

    @Gryllis said: Another Tano loss



    Garbage time.

    @Pact said: FIFA: Lets give EA Exclusive rights to our teams and leagues!
    I really want to see PES get better and potentially a 2k sports title for Soccer/football.



    2K game would be great. The NBA 2K collision engine would be a lot like Ignite I'd imagine.
  • barters81 5078 XP 20/04/2014
    lol.....that bottom video cracked me up.
  • Hugo 5694 XP 23/04/2014
    I haven't found any of the things you mention to happen in my experience...

    I love next gen FIFA!
  • whaling 19930 XP 05/05/2014

    Graphics - Not bad, but not good. Sometimes the players look sad.


    Best part of the review. I found it very helpful 10/10 would read review again.
  • saupaulo 2 XP 05/07/2014
    Hi ,

    Thanks for the post about World Cup. Just a tip about those who don't live in countries that stream world cup online. You can use UnoTelly to remove the geoblock and stream World Cup 2014 in your country free worldcup.unotelly.com...
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