The Twelve Step Program (Gamer's Edition)
Like many of you, i believe i have a problem and now realise that i need help. My actions have caused me to neglect my obligations, created periods of financial strain, and left me with a sense of powerlessness with regard to my situation. My name is Stephen Pastic, and i am a compulsive "day one purchaser". Despite my stack of hitherto neglected games residing in my home, i am compelled to purchase many new releases as soon as they become available, and in doing so, digging my frustrated completionist's hole even deeper. I have given no regard to the fact that many of these titles are generally available for half the cost if i could only wait a couple of months, and thought little of my responsibility to the unfinished games residing with me that depend upon yours truly for completion. Forgive me, fellow gamers - i know not what i do.
In an effort to remedy this mea culpa, i intend to make a positive difference. Taking a cue from those fine "Jesus enthusiasts" at Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), i have drafted the world's first twelve step program for sufferers of "Day One Purchaser" (DOP) syndrome. For all whom this resonates with, Stephen Pastic simply wants you to know that you are not alone...and that he is totally not being turbo-douchey in referring to himself in the third person. Let the healing begin, my friends!
The Twelve Steps for the DOP Afflicted
1. We admitted we were powerless over day one purchases - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves ("butt-hair parting" discounted prices two months from release) could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God - or failing that, Bobby Kotick as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and our gaming collections.
5. Admitted to either God, to ourselves, and to another human being - preferably Shigeru Miyamoto - the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have either God or David Jaffe remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him (AKA Hideo Kojima) to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, games we had neglected, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others - or where it would collide with experiencing a fully awesomesauce title before spoilers happen.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it, even if we had previously assumed the game to be digital excrement.
11. Sought through prayer, meditation and headshots to improve our conscious contact with God, and our Kill/Death ratios as we understood them, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other DOP sufferers, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
To any fellow DOP afflicted persons who have had the courage to read this far : Congratulations! You have taken the first step to conquering the element of your life which has caused you so much unneccessary pain. I want you all to know that there are people who care, even if those people are not the ones who put you up for adoption 22 years ago. Seize the day, my friends! Your new life in gaming begins now!
S.Pastic