How to start a flame war on a gaming site
We gamers are an opinionated bunch. Games old and new are routinely compared to titles even remotely similar - and in certain cases, compared to games with zero in common save for their interactivity. As online gaming media has become more and more prolific, ordinary people such as you and i have been given the opportunity to voice our opinions in blogs, forums and the general hype and/or hate machine surrounding our titles of choice. Inevitably, some of us will feel very much attached (or alternatively disappointed) with certain releases, and it seems many of us have little hesistation in putting our vociferious viewpoints forth. Enter the flame war.
Games journalists and ordinary "normies" are often accused of fishing for heated reactions to their opinions, based on how congruent their posts are with the mindset of the person reading on the other end. Depending on whom you ask, "flaming" (or trolling) is often either ludicrously frustrating, or hilariously entertaining. In an inspired effort to gauge the sense of humour readers have, Stephen Pastic presents this easy "how to" guide to starting a flame war on a gaming website. FLAME ON!
Swear ridiculous allegiance to a large company
Sony vs Nintendo vs Microsoft is a basic beginners move here. You should always be looking to pretend that your own livelihood and sense of self depends on a large, faceless multinational development/publishing company, despite the fact that they know nothing of you personally. You alone should know that your lone uninformed voice is far more powerful than an entire company's PR department in winning the hearts and minds of fellow gamers. The antiquated notion that opinions are as varied as people themselves should have zero bearing on your wonderfully phrased analyses and insight into why Nintendo is killing gaming, for example.
Show superiority via comparison
One tried and tested rule of a professional flame-baiter is that nothing proves your point better than comparing your title of choice to one that doesnt resonate with you as strongly. While there are some "informed" people who will use such comparisons to highlight differing features of similar titles, they are clearly just being subjective. You alone are the objective voice who knows the truth of the matter, and also clearly understand the definition of the word "objectively". Just think how many people will buy the wrong title (under the misguided idea that they prefer another game) if you did not take the time to show how Battlefield 3 is objectively better compared to Modern Warfare 3, to take a recent examplar.
Never back down
Occasionally, even the most hardy flamers will encounter one of these "rational" people responding to their well thought out arguments. Many weaker trollers can often be brought around to a compromise on views via a viewpoint which seems well reasoned and well researched - do not be fooled by this ruse! Even if all seems lost, and you believe you are just coming across like an opinionated asshole, a true flamer never loses sight of the fact that they are right and everyone else is wrong. If you can overcome reason, nobody can convince you that some people believe Haze to be a somewhat disappointing title - Fight the good fight!
Know the appropriate response
Here we move into the advanced steps for all you budding apprentice trolls. When you are presented with a counterpoint to your brilliantly lucid prose, you should always be aware of the correct way to respond. Even the most experienced among us can be swayed into believing someone else simply has a different opinion to our own. In the words of Tiger Woods, f*ck that! A true flamer will never utter something to the effect of "well, i personally disagree but i see your point". While there are many ways to counter such an idea, calling someone's mother into question with regard to her sexuality, physical size, or child rearing skills is always a good starting point. Calling someone a "faggot" or "retard" as often as possible is the gold standard here - and always remember that such inflammatory remarks can never be repeated too often. Be creative!
Key phrases
There are certain words and phrases which will immediately silence any naysayers with regard to your praise and/or critique. Whilst not a definitive list, gems such as "fanboy", "n00b", "Micro$oft" and the aforementioned understanding of the defintion of "objective" will prove to be invaluable tools to a flaming enthusiast, and are at no risk of painting you as an uninformed d*ckhead. Always remember that your superior knowledge of the intricacies of the english language which you clearly demonstrate time and time again will put you in the position of superiority.
These are just a few of the basic points to consider as someone who totally knows what they are on about. Your opinion and yours alone is the only one which can save the games industry from the deluge of revered titles which actually suck hardcore ass. The road to becoming proficient at inciting the useless exchange of heated opinions is not an easy one to tread, but if you believe in yourself and abandon the outdated ideas of rationality, you too can enter the upper echelons of digital douchebaggery! Fan the flames, my friends!
S.Pastic