Taking a look at the Final Fantasy XIII-2 review that this site has, made me think about JRPG's a little more. To the average gamer they are snore-fests that simply do not make any sense, and have little worth in our gaming eco-system. However to a niche market, they are more important than anything else on store shelves, and I can't understand why JRPG fans are so passionate. So I decided to write a few things down that I have learned from my brief affair with the most ridiculous genre in gaming.
Bigger The Hair, Better The Adventure
Look at every major JRPG franchise and you'll immediately notice a pattern - they all have CRAZY HAIR that should not even be possible by the law of physics! What is the obsession with these ridiculous haircuts? Put any JRPG fan next to a member of 80's band "Flock of Seagulls" and the band members would look like respectable members of society.
It's Polite To Take Turns Beating The Crap Out Of Each Other
Just how kung-fu movies prove that one man can only fight 2 or 3 guys at a time, JRPG's have taught me that it's polite to take turns hitting each other until one of you dies. Let's focus on timing and stats and CRIT HP XP DPS......JUST LET ME MASH THE BUTTONS UNTIL I EMERGE VICTORIOUS. Each battle is so tedious and boring, and makes me want to throw my controller into the abyss.
Potions & Good Will Can Heal Any Wound
Get smashed in the head with a giant meat cleaver? It's all good bro, a magical potion and some good ol' fashioned good will is all you need. Any wound can be healed via some kind of elixir or magical hogwash. JRPG's put Harry Potter's skills to shame.
If The Story Makes Sense, You're Doing It Wrong
There's a reason why every JRPG lasts for approximately 376.5 hours - the stories make no sense at all. It's like the developers put 20 tweens in a room and asked them to write a bad piece of fan fiction, then half-way through the creation of the game, that script was loaded into a cannon, shot across the room and left in pieces. THEN they paid a gardner named Gus to come in, sticky-tape random pieces together and then they got back to work. JRPG's make no sense at all, with plot-lines that are more convoluted than the prequel Star Wars trilogy.
Until next time!